I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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