I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Operation Purity has been aborted
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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