It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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