wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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