My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And then my night got REAL pukey
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
