I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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