So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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