I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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