I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
