Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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