Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
