Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
two words: eviction party
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Randomize
