My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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