Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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