I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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