Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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