My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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