Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize