he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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