Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
