I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
