i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
