I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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