I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
