i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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