my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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