how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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