i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
