Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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