1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
