I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize