I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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