Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize