Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
