If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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