Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
