Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
