I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize