btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
