WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
