so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
