Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
