I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
