My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
