Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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