Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
