Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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