i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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