i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
