he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
