perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
