From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
