I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I love having hate sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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