I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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