Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
