youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
