I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
