Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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