Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
