the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
