I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
