New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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