i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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